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Just Me Too

An Open Letter To Someone Who Won't Read It.

Posted on 2015.01.11 at 08:40
When someone states they've been victimized, their aggressor does not get to negate and deny their experience.

That principle is the same no matter how great or small the aggression is. Pointing out that the principle is the same is not equating the acts of aggression, greater and lesser.

You bullied me. You first forbade me to defend myself, then essentially called me a racist. I'd have been within reason to ignore your demand and argue with you, but I did not. I disassociated myself from you, and gave you the courtesy of privately letting you know why.

The very first words out of you when you chose to reply were to negate my experience, to deny my experience.

And I let it pass, giving you the benefit of the doubt that you perhaps did not understand the nature of the problem. I responded politely, that you can demand my silence on a topic, or you can rail at me about it, but you're not entitled to do both. That's bullying, and I won't be bullied.

Here's the key: That was you receiving not one, but two opportunities for a little self-examination. Here's someone who has supported you for years, respected you for years, had your back for years, telling you you used him as a punching bag, and bullied him. Isn't that a cue to stop and examine your conduct?

But you responded with insult direct, followed again by a dismissal and negation of my experience as your victim.

What other response is appropriate than to make it plain that that is impermissible? You've been the victim of a dreadful crime, and you would never for an instant allow the perpetrator to dismiss and negate your suffering at his hands. How, then, can you think it's okay for you to dismiss and negate the hurt you've caused? Yes, that's the appropriate time and place to point that immutable principle out to you.

So now you've flounced off to the rest of your life, and good for you. May it serve you well.

But never, ever, ever tell yourself nor anyone else the pernicious lie that you were the victim. You were not. You were a bully, and you threw an escalating series of tantrums when you were called on it.

That's all that happened.

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