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I Fanboy J

The True Meaning of Evil

Posted on 2007.05.29 at 08:36
So, a surprising number of years ago, when I was living in a crappy, shabby apartment (both by my own making) in Shirley, Massachusetts, a new guy had moved into the apartment next to mine. I didn't know him at all, I was just vaguely aware that someone had moved in.

A few days after, there was a knock on my door, and a very attractive blue-eyed, blond-haired girl with a goofy smile was asking me about my new neighbor, and I confessed with some regret I knew nothing about him.

Not long after that, I actually met this new neighbor. His name was Jeff Wade, now, of course, known as j_on_lj, and he had fairly abruptly moved out of an apartment shared with the young woman I'll call Blondie. He was quite clear on being through with her, but she wasn't particularly through with him, and he, being a decent enough bloke, wanted to stay on friendly terms with her. So she was around a lot, and I began crushing pretty madly on her.

At one point there were some pity snogs (although I didn't realize that's what they were at the time) and I was starting to feel more...

And Jeff crooked his little finger at her. I was a memory.

I tried, for the most part, to be a good guy about it. You don't weigh 400 pounds without getting used to lack of success onthe romantic front. But sometimes, the resentment burned. It burned, precious!

One night, I was up late, flipping channels. I was working for a Cable TV company in those days, so I got all the channels for free, which was a good deal. But the movie channels wee showing crap, the major networks were no better,and I was up in what were then the higher channels. I hit Channel 68, "The Learning Channel," which in those days really was about educational programming, and saw the program was "The Operation," a magnificent and disgusting program which showed surgical operations, in all their bloody, grisly, glory, and, as was my wont, I stared for a few moments, trying to figure out what it was... Oh, sweet bleeding Christ! I recognized what i was seeing and clicked the "up" button on the remote so hard I bruised my thumb.

And almost immediately, I heard the door into the shared stairwell open, and Jeff and Blondie coming in. She was giggling, possibly a little tipsy, and spoke to him in a low voice. I couldn't hear what she was saying, but the implication of her tone was clear! And it burned, precious, it burned.

And this was the moment I discovered in my heart the true meaning of evil, and I heard them climbing the stairs together, Jeff speaking with warm confidence, Blondie giggling girlishly, and the plan formed in my mind, as fiendish as any James Bond villain ever came up with. Through the thin walls, I heard them moving through the apartment to the room Jeff used as bedroom and lounge, heard her giggling again. I grabbed the phone, dialed his number. As he picked up, I heard her muttering darkly in the background, "Oh, what does he want!?"

My voice was quick, my tone excited: "Jeff! Channel 68! Quick, quick, Channel 68! Channel 68!"

"All, right," he said, a little tiredly, "Hang on." and Blondie was saying "Jesus doesn't he know what time--"

"OH MY GOD!" cried Jeff.

"Good night," I said, hanging up the phone, knowing that his plans for the night had just changed drastically as he stared, they stared, wide-eyed, at his television set, displaying, in gory and revolting detail, the surgical procedure to reverse a vasectomy.

If there's a better definition of True Evil than that, I don't know it.

Comments:


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lnalvgd
lnalvgd at 2007-05-29 13:10 (UTC) (Link)
ROTFLMAO!

This was truely evil...and funny!

It sounds like something I would do to my best friend when I knew her and her husband were getting up to something...just blow the whole moment away!

Very funny!
Jonathan Andrew Sheen
leviathan0999 at 2007-05-29 13:23 (UTC) (Link)
There are times when means, motive, and opportunity simply coalesce into one moment of perfect, evil, beauty.

Then you can see how deep into you the abyss has looked.

This was such a moment.
Madam Minnie
madam_minnie at 2007-05-29 13:15 (UTC) (Link)
I love you more and more every day!
Jonathan Andrew Sheen
leviathan0999 at 2007-05-29 13:23 (UTC) (Link)
I'm so very proud!
mrsquizzical
mrsquizzical at 2007-05-29 13:24 (UTC) (Link)
that wins.

something.

not sure what, but it wins it!
Jonathan Andrew Sheen
leviathan0999 at 2007-05-29 13:53 (UTC) (Link)
It was a stroke of twisted inspiraton!
abovethestars
abovethestars at 2007-05-29 13:29 (UTC) (Link)
LOL!!

You are all kinds of cool!
Jonathan Andrew Sheen
leviathan0999 at 2007-05-29 13:54 (UTC) (Link)
Such a pal, aren't I?
alloy_
alloy_ at 2007-05-29 14:09 (UTC) (Link)
ROTFLOL........ I bow before your great evil.
Jonathan Andrew Sheen
leviathan0999 at 2007-05-29 14:19 (UTC) (Link)
I'm a fiend in human form, really!
natertatersmom
natertatersmom at 2007-05-29 14:10 (UTC) (Link)
*falls over completely dead*

That is SO soemthing I would do. I got a little shiver of excitement just reading it...lol.

*hugs the bear shaped man*
Jonathan Andrew Sheen
leviathan0999 at 2007-05-29 14:21 (UTC) (Link)
*hugs back!*
OMG it's full of STARS!
leelastarsky at 2007-05-29 14:14 (UTC) (Link)
I don't think that's evil at all! I think that was SWEEEEEEEEEET justice. *glee*
Jonathan Andrew Sheen
leviathan0999 at 2007-05-29 14:22 (UTC) (Link)
I think I should be more merciful than vengefull. But, honestly, I was possessed by an irresistable impulse.
I have an Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator
simons_flower at 2007-05-29 14:23 (UTC) (Link)
That could be a good definition of good friendship, too. :)
Jonathan Andrew Sheen
leviathan0999 at 2007-05-29 14:30 (UTC) (Link)
It's all fun and games until somebody loses a fuck, staring at spread-open, bloody man-parts!
Jenna: fomerly chocolate_coins
jennashaped at 2007-05-29 16:51 (UTC) (Link)
.................

BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! Niiiiiiiice. Pure evil...but nice. ROFL
Jonathan Andrew Sheen
leviathan0999 at 2007-05-29 16:53 (UTC) (Link)
I am, it appears, comething of a Dark Lord myself!

Spiffing new icons all around!
hedwig5221
hedwig5221 at 2007-05-29 17:06 (UTC) (Link)
That was too good...so glad that you guys are still friends as well.
Jonathan Andrew Sheen
leviathan0999 at 2007-05-29 17:12 (UTC) (Link)
I'm glad we are, too. I've had a lot of good times with my doughy compatriot!
Melanie
dream_wia_dream at 2007-05-29 17:08 (UTC) (Link)
I bow to you, oh evil master. That has got to be the best cock-block, ever! Hee hee hee.
Jonathan Andrew Sheen
leviathan0999 at 2007-05-29 17:13 (UTC) (Link)
I really am proud!

Now if only he'd record more of his songs!
rupert_talley
rupert_talley at 2007-05-29 17:42 (UTC) (Link)
Shakes head. Wish I could react as quickly as you. I always have those type of thoughts to "get back" at others, but it's always a day late. Evil? No. Pure Genius? Yes!
Jonathan Andrew Sheen
leviathan0999 at 2007-05-29 20:19 (UTC) (Link)
It was really a matter of luck that the weapon presented itself at just the right moment!
Risie
risiepookie at 2007-05-29 19:28 (UTC) (Link)
::gigglesnorts::

::tackleglomps:: I think I adore you more now than I did before, if that's possible!!! That's got to be one of the best jokes you can pul on somebody.

::stands and applauds:: Well done you! :o)
Jonathan Andrew Sheen
leviathan0999 at 2007-05-29 20:20 (UTC) (Link)
I can be magnanimous in victory, but victory was not where I was at that moment!
harrysmom
harrysmom at 2007-05-29 19:53 (UTC) (Link)
And I call Marc the Dark Lord, *snort*

That is way, way, WAY EVIL Jonathan and I LOVE IT!!!!
Jonathan Andrew Sheen
leviathan0999 at 2007-05-29 20:21 (UTC) (Link)
I thank you most humbly.
mythicvictory
mythicvictory at 2007-05-29 20:18 (UTC) (Link)

That is just..evil

mean, and so fricken HAWT!!!

I bow to the superior evil cul de sacs your mind can travel...all hail the new Dark One.
(I'd say Lord...but that's just so overdone these days...I see your darkness as both classic and cutting edge)

Hee..
Mel
Jonathan Andrew Sheen
leviathan0999 at 2007-05-29 20:22 (UTC) (Link)

Re: That is just..evil

I was the best three was at what i did, and what I did wasn't very nice!
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