"America's Ultimate Solution"
"We have a lot of problems in this country. And I don't have all the answers -- But I have a good start."
"That's why, today, I'm calling on all of my Republican friends, in the Senate, in the House of Representatives, In state, county, and local governments throughout our great country, and even among the general public as a whole."
"I'm calling on all Republicans to breath in all the fresh, sweet, life-giving oxygen they can, many times every minute of the day. And to breathe out all the toxic carbon monoxide they can expell, right before every fresh breath they take."
"Now, here's what we don't need. We don't need to have our Republican friends stick with their obstructionist policies. We don't need the Nation's Republicans to suffocate themselves, just because I called upon them to breathe."
"Really. I mean it. If you're a Republican, I don't want you to super-glue shut your mouth and nostrils. If you're a Republican, I don't want you to cover your nose and mouth with duct tape."
"If you're a Republican, I don't want you to tie a plastic dry-cleaning bag over your head, or to drown yourself in your bathtub. I don't want you to run a hose from the exhaust pipe of your car, and breath only from that."
"Now, according to my advisors' calculations, sometime within the next few minutes, all of the opposition and obstructionism and hostility that's kept this government from functioning for the last few years should be over with, and we can again return to governing. Thank you very much, and God bless the United States of America."