January 14th, 2008

Just Me

Seasonal, Ineffective, Disorderly

It's not the foot of snow that fell today. I've been feeling it for a while, even during the lovely, springlike week that preceded. But more and more often these days, I just feel worthless and useless, like I don't like myself, don't like other people -- when I know I love several -- don't want to act, interact, or be part of anyone or anything. Like if I threw myself from the Empire State Building, I'd simply drop without impact through the sidewalk, and no-one would even know.

And friends I love and who love me are feeling neglected and rejected, and I hate it, with a flame that burns like a mild spring breeze that wafts gentle and unnoticed on a still day in May.

It's just the Blahs. I'll get over it. I have times during it when all are well. Yesterday I watched a bunch of "Boston Legal" with a friend, and last night I spent fun hours with a distant friend who was having a great night.

But I'm upset that it's affecting my friends. And more upset that I'm not upset enough, because I'm wrapped in cotton batting or something.