God Wants His Faithful To have My Snot?

Posted on 2007.05.24 at 09:14
Current Mood: BZUH???

I arrived home from work the other day, and here is what I found in my mail. I looked at the front of this envelope and thought it was teh usual sort of credit-scam, married incongruously to worship of the fellow who chased the moneylenders and merchants out of his temple.

The text on the back of the envelope took a decided turn to the weird:

When I opened it, I discovered that God had told them to loan me not money, but what appeared, at first glace, to be overly-decorated byut fairly nice stationery. I wasn't sure how I was meant to use it and still return it, as after all, the expectation of return is what "loan" means. It felt like good-quality stuff, the sort of thing you might print your resumé on, were it not patterned like a gingham tablecloth. Then I glanced at teh letter. It's a handkerchief!?!?!? Say what? First of all, I'm not going to blow my nose on stiff paper you could print a resumé on! But, better still, God told them to loan me a paper handkerchief? He wants me to give unto His followers my snot!?!?!? Man, I'm just baffled.

33 comments Leave a comment

Comments:

oncelikeshari at 2007-05-24 13:19 (UTC) (Link)

Dear Someone connecetd with this home...

Nice to know God bothered to learn your name eh Leviathan?

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leviathan0999 at 2007-05-24 13:30 (UTC) (Link)

I was deeply touched, honestly.

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natertatersmom at 2007-05-24 13:29 (UTC) (Link)

*shakes head*

*visions of Monty Python's Holy Hand Grenade*

God bless your snot, Jon.

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leviathan0999 at 2007-05-24 13:31 (UTC) (Link)

Do you suppose that it really is blessed snot, and they want to worship it, like Brian's shoe?

(Icon chosen because it was taken in a church parking lot.)

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alloy_ at 2007-05-24 13:30 (UTC) (Link)

But yet he knows all our names and whether we've been naughty or nice.....

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leviathan0999 at 2007-05-24 13:37 (UTC) (Link)

What? You mean, God is really Santa Claus? OK, now I'm impressed!

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amythis at 2007-05-24 13:51 (UTC) (Link)

She blew my mind and then She blew my nose.

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leviathan0999 at 2007-05-24 13:55 (UTC) (Link)

Bwahahahahah!

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i_m_b00 at 2007-05-24 14:01 (UTC) (Link)

WTF!!

*does not want your snot* thanks for offering but NO

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leviathan0999 at 2007-05-24 14:29 (UTC) (Link)

Hey, you never know! It could be Holy Snot!

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mythicvictory at 2007-05-24 14:17 (UTC) (Link)

"Ah, I know this one!!"

"Next the holy shamans were called upon to do the hokey poky and turn themselves around!"

The words of the Master always ring true.

Praise Joss.

Kay, I can tell y'all live in the north, 'cause in Texas, we think it's normal for a Nationally renowned preacher to tell everyone that God will "take him home" if we don't send him money. So we know, God's got it to lend, now, so to speak. And that He's Jewish, so it's ok for Him to charge interest. Or, wait a minute, that his son's Jewish..so it's ok... It's all the Liberals fault!!

See, Confusion solved, Texas style.

There are a few of us in Texas who wondered, quietly, in our own homes, if we could send God MORE money to take the aforementioned preacher 'into his arms" anyway.
But only with the blinds drawn, and the children in bed already. Plus, in Texas, kinda hard to tell the difference between a bank building and a Baptist church..they always look the same, 'cept the church has better parking.

Hang in there, true believers!!

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leviathan0999 at 2007-05-24 14:30 (UTC) (Link)

Re: "Ah, I know this one!!"

See, I expected the Almighty to be lending me dough. It's lending me stiff paper handkerchiefs that has me flummoxed!

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layla372 at 2007-05-24 18:40 (UTC) (Link)

Maybe God wants you to be prepared for allergy season.

Yeah thats it.

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leviathan0999 at 2007-05-24 21:30 (UTC) (Link)

I totally need a sneezing icon!

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jennashaped at 2007-05-24 20:06 (UTC) (Link)

All hail Jonathan's snot!! It's so holy your nose glows. *stares*

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leviathan0999 at 2007-05-24 21:32 (UTC) (Link)

Laugh now, but one foggy Christmas Eve, when Santa can't find his way, I'll prove my worth!

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cyclonejuliet at 2007-05-24 22:35 (UTC) (Link)

They just knew that your nose was going to run after all your walks!

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leviathan0999 at 2007-05-25 12:52 (UTC) (Link)

And he wanted me to hurt it on a stiff paper hanky. What a Holy Meanie!

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rupert_talley at 2007-05-25 00:30 (UTC) (Link)

That was a LOT of words. Glad they got the heads up that a "resident-to a friend" was needing help. Wouldn't want all that blessing to go to just anyone would they?

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leviathan0999 at 2007-05-25 12:59 (UTC) (Link)

You know, I've heard a lot about "God's unconditional love," but somehow, I never realized that was what they meant!

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leviathan0999 at 2007-05-25 13:00 (UTC) (Link)

I've found myself wondering, if I put it through the laundry, would it soften into useability?

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harry_lvr at 2007-05-25 10:22 (UTC) (Link)

...*blinks* That's kind of...well, I was going to say interesting, but to be honest that's just weird! Still, beats the religious people who came door-knocking around here the other day. My brother answered the door, and this is pretty much how it went:

Bro: Hi
Them: Hello! We just wanted to come to let you know that you shouldn't worry about life, because God will save you and the world in the end.
Bro: Uh...thanks?
Them: Just spreading the Good News! Have a nice day!

Made even funnier by the fact that my bro's an atheist, but anyway...

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leviathan0999 at 2007-05-25 13:33 (UTC) (Link)

Well, hell, at least they didn't ask him for an on-the-spot commitment to accept Jesus Christ as his personal saviour. I've got that a few times.

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herrbgone at 2007-05-26 04:22 (UTC) (Link)

Just a thought...

Isn’t Beebs paper-trained and in need of a miracle cure in that direction? Of course, they may not want their “paper Bible Faith Handkerchief” back… (Just thinking of Spock’s comment about the probe’s message to the whales.)

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